So what happened was that this occurred to me, and then I kept thinking about it, and then it sort of started merging in my head with the online dating AU I’ve been tossing around in my head for a while, so. In case you’re wondering, a) the Hales are still alive, b) Laura worries about her shut-in little brother and made half a dozen profiles for him on various dating websites, one of which is a werewolf-friendly one because I like my ideas utterly ridiculous, and c) Stiles is an enormous troll and that is how they meet. Okay I think that’s all you need to know, I will be going back to my wine now.
(P.S. Props to gelasius for coming up with the 101 Dalmatians thing because I laughed for like eight thousand years.)
Laura Is The Worst Sister Ever And Isn’t Even Funny, A Report By Derek Hale
“The books were better.”
“Oh my god, I know your unimpeachable stance on book-to-movie adaptations, but let me ask: have you actually watched the movies?”
“I’m just saying, because the last time we had this conversation, you hadn’t.”
“We haven’t had this conversation before.”
“Um, yeah we have.” Stiles leans back in his chair, smirking out of the screen at Derek. “We were talking about a different movie, but dude. It was this exact same conversation, and you totally hadn’t even seen the movie that time.”
“I’ve seen the Harry Potter movies.” Derek crosses his arms over his chest. “I wasn’t impressed.”
“That’s because you refused to go see them in the theater.”
“Laura,” Derek growls, spinning his desk chair around to glare at his sister who’s leaning against the doorframe of his bedroom like she has some sort of a right to be there. “I thought I confiscated your key.”
“Yeah,” she snorts, “like I only made one copy. Hey, Stiles!” she calls over his shoulder, waving cheerfully at his computer screen.
“Hey, Laura!” Stiles’s voice over the speakers is tinny but enthusiastic, and the grin that’s spreading over his face has Derek’s scowl deepening. “What, did he just watch them on DVD? There’s your problem, man!” he says, throwing his hands in the air and leaning forward again. “Something like that, you’ve gotta see on the big screen.”
“Oh, Derek doesn’t do movies in theaters.” Laura smirks and saunters over, spinning Derek back around so that she can brace her arms on the back of his chair as she leans over his shoulder towards the laptop. “Poor baby has some trauma he’s still working through.”
“What are you even doing here?” Derek demands, at the exact same moment that Stiles asks, “Wait, trauma? What trauma?”
“I came over because I thought you might like to take your big sister out to lunch.”
“You did not.”
“Sure I did! After all, it’s thanks to me that you’re having this very …” She waves vaguely towards the screen. “Whatever the hell this conversation is. Since I know you were brought up right, I naturally assumed you’d want to do something to thank me for the effort that I made purely out of the goodness of my heart.”
“Setting up a dozen online dating profiles for me without my permission has nothing to do with the goodness of your heart.”
“I’m wounded, Der.”
“HEY!” They both jump, their eyes darting back to the screen where Stiles is pulling the microphone on his headset away from his mouth with a mildly guilty look. The speakers are still buzzing. “Sorry, just—what trauma?”
“Nothing,” Derek says quickly, snarling as Laura ruffles a hand through his hair.
“Don’t be embarrassed, baby bro,” she says, and he might not be able to see her face at the moment, but he can hear the evil smirk in her voice. “It happens to lots of people.”
Stiles blinks out at them. “Um. Did he get erectile dysfunction in a theater once or something?”
Laura cackles so loudly that Derek actually winces away. “No,” he says vehemently. “Laura’s just full of shit.”
“Oh, so you didn’t have trouble controlling yourself—”
“—when you were little, and you didn’t have to get pulled out of the theater—”
He twists in his seat, lunging for her, but she darts back with the Devil’s own glee sparkling in her eyes.
“—when you shifted in the middle of Hocus Pocus and wouldn’t calm down long enough to shift back?”
The fight goes out of Derek in a sudden rush, and he sinks in a defeated slump back into his chair. “I hate you.”
“You …” Stiles sounds like he might be choking, and Derek can’t even look at the screen right now. “Um. Derek?”
“I was four, first of all,” he snaps, turning his head to glare at Laura who’s laughing, half-collapsed against the back of the chair. “And I’m not the only kid to get freaked out and have a little trouble—”
“You couldn’t shift back?” Stiles still sounds like he’s having trouble making actual human sounds, and one look is all it takes to see that Derek was right; his face is screwed up in the way it always is when he’s trying not to laugh, when he has something he just has to get out before he’ll let himself go. “You couldn’t shift back because you were too scared of … Bette Midler?”
Then he and Laura are both off again, nearly collapsed into hysterics while Derek grinds his teeth and waits for them to finish. And he knows he shouldn’t, but—
“You know, that scene in the graveyard was actually really—”
“Oh my god,” Stiles wheezes, face buried in his hands. “Oh my god you must’ve just been … precious.”
“You should’ve seen him when he watched the live action 101 Dalmatians.”
“I am going to kill you. I’m actually going to end your life, and not a single jury would convict me.”
“Were you afraid you were gonna get skinned, Derek?”
“I don’t know why I even like either of you.”
“You love us, really.” Laura ruffles his hair again, though she pulls her hand back quickly this time, like she’s afraid he might actually bite it off. “Come on, I’m starving, you can Skype with your boyfriend later.”
“He’s not—you have no idea how lucky you are to be an only child,” he tells Stiles as Laura saunters back out of the room, and he swears to god he’s changing all the locks on his apartment doors.
“I dunno.” There’s a strange look in Stiles’s eyes, but he’s smiling softly. “Seems like it might be kind of fun sometimes.”
“What interaction were you just watching?”
“Go have lunch with your sister.”
“Really? You’re not gonna give me shit about this movie thing?”
“Oh, I’m totally gonna give you shit, are you kidding? But we’re talking about a month’s worth of ball-busting, minimum; we can take a break for you to carb up.”
“I’ll tell you what, I’m gonna be in town for Spring Break next week, and we’re gonna see the new sci-fi/action flick.”
“What new sci-fi/action flick?”
“Hell if I know, but there’s always one out around this time of year. You in?”
Derek feels his stomach do a slow, rolling twist, and even Laura hollering at him from the living room to get his ass in gear can’t keep the smile off his face.
“Yeah, I guess I’m in.”
You don’t have to like Sansa Stark.
BUT THE THING IS:
You rail against her ‘stupidity,’ claim this romantic preteen girl should somehow know better than to have an open heart and a trusting nature and a child’s innocence. As if these qualities are something to disparage. As if her idealism being taken advantage of by her many abusers is her fault.
And then, she learns her lesson, puts her guard up around Tyrion, a Lannister, second son of the family that literally ruined her entire life. She refuses to trust him, can’t see herself loving him, and damn well doesn’t want to have sex with him no matter how nicely he asks. Do you think she’s smart now?
Nope, you think she’s an ungrateful bitch.
This is a trap—and if you’re a woman, it’s one that looks plainly, painfully familiar.
So you don’t have to like Sansa Stark.
But if you hate her, you might have to consider the possibility that you are—consciously or unconsciously—a huge misogynist.
Literally I don’t even know anymore with Game of Thrones like DID YOU PEOPLE READ STORM OF SWORDS EVEN ONCE???
I’m sorry I just can’t get excited for Into Darkness knowing how bad the costume department fucked up.
Thank you, Julie!! Now I know what I’ll do when I’m waiting for my appointment with the doctor later today. Reasons to keep calm in the waiting room? Sterek, fics and Julie! <3
Awww you’re welcome!! Good luck at your appointment and as always, remember that my AO3 recs are primarily composed of fluff if you need more distractions :)
casual reminder that… derek and stiles have each other’s phone numbers
#NO NO NO WE NEED TO BACK TRACK #LIKE HOW DID THIS CONVERSATION GO DOWN?! #was it derek? #was it some gruff approach of #’now give me your number before you go inside there’ #and stiles’ incredulous response of ‘what? no way.’ #and did derek roll his eyes and his whole head and just grab stiles’ phone from his fingers #all clutched protectively to his chest as if derek were about to crunch the plastic into pieces? #or was it something casually spouted out by stiles#a ‘dude #gimme your phone i gotta put my number in there.’ #and did derek look at stiles as if he had lost his mind or told him to take off his shirt AGAIN #and did stiles just shake his head and mutter something under his breath #and just tug at derek’s coat #a silent ‘just give it to me stop acting like a five-year-old’ #and did derek just stare at stiles as he punched in the numbers #with that open naked expression of his #and did stiles delay giving it back so that he could look through derek’s contact list #and these are THINGS that need to be shown (via mydearsourwolf)
“A pack of them” is Derek for “bitch how the fuck should I know.”
wherein i’m convinced derek hale’s middle name is o rly bitch rly do u think
STARS. THE FINAL EXPLORE-Y PLACE. THESE ARE THE TRIP THINGS OF THE SPACEBOAT ENTERPIPES. ITS FIVE YEAR JOB THINGY: TO HANG OUT IN STRANGE NEW PLACES, TO HAVE DINNER WITH ALIENS AND SHIT, TO VAGUELY WANDER IN THAT DIRECTION LIKE NO ONE HAS DONE BEFORE.