derek being secretly clumsy but his werewolf powers helps him out 150% so people think he’s just showing off when he does a sudden forward roll in the middle of a pack meeting
the reason he jumps down stairs is normally he trips.
he wears all black because people can’t tell if his shirt has stains from when he accidentally spills drinks on himself and he didn’t catch them in time
the stubble is because he will cut himself shaving so he only goes to the barber to get it done like once a month.
he stayed in his old burnt down house for a long time because it’s not like he can make any more damage to it if he walks into a table or a wall
The giant hole in the loft is not by design. He won’t be getting the security deposit back.
yeah that wasn’t blood it was v8 (by soupstain)
he has an alarm at the loft so he can quickly change to clean outfit and clear any broken things laying around
he DID buy furniture. But Stiles is never allowed to know that.
he’s actually relieved when chris broke his car window because at least it wasn’t his fault this time
blamethewolf said: now there should be a continuation with derek forgetting the “present” and stiles finding it, but poor derek baby :(
There ! I fixed it !
They actually take a step closer.
this is for halffizzbin! because she deserves things and this is a thing.
cora and laura team up to start a gym, with them as personal trainers, only they are both ungodly hot and their clientele is primarily men more interested in hitting on them than improving physique
derek hears his sisters complaining about the objectification and harassment and starts to show up to glower at these frat boy asshats
derek in a tank and sweats with the muscles and the abs and suddenly the frat boy asshats see oh, we could look like that
laura makes derek hang around the gym, “because you do nothing ANYWAY, so you may as well be our silent third partner”
the frat boy asshats get competitive when derek is right there, out-working them
it’s great for laura and cora
it’s not so great for derek
given how he’s sure there’s a twitter tag with the non-frat boy asshat clientele
(erica & lydia & danny et al)
because they all seem to SHOW UP and STARE within fifteen minutes of his arrival
and derek ANGRILY EXERCISES
with the grumpy cat expression the entire time
business is picking up! it’s great
talia is so proud of her brood
then stiles shows up
in hoechlin-type workout gear
because it’s ~ironic
"look scott i am tapping into a milieu ok it’s actually hilarious shut up"
and generally flails around
in a way that endangers him and those around him
until derek “rescues” him from a treadmill gone wrong and ANGRILY TELLS HIM “goddammit get a personal trainer already jesus christ”
stiles gives him the startled meerkat eyes: “uh ok” he says “how much do you charge”
and instead of saying something rational like “i am not a personal trainer” derek says on shocked flat auto-pilot “the first session is free”
AND THEN HE HAS TO MAKE UP INCREASINGLY STRANGE AND AWKWARD EXERCISES FOR STILES BECAUSE WOW DEREK IS A WEREWOLF HE HAS NEVER HAD TO ACTUALLY LIKE, CONTEMPLATE HOW HE MANAGED THE CURRENT ADONIS-LIKE STATE OF HIS BODY
and there are weird exchanges where stiles is like “are you sure i am supposed to bend this way, it doesn’t seem conducive to muscle-building” and derek says “mm? yeah uh. keep doing. that.”
and maybe his eyes flare a little gold (because nothing bad happened to him in this ‘verse, paige was a very nice girlfriend and they lasted until she went on scholarship to some music conservatory in europe and derek moped for a while before writing angsty poetry that turned out to be publishable who knew!) as he stares at stiles’ impeccable ass in his ~ironic shorts
meanwhile laura and cora laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh
HELP IT’S TOO PERFECT
OKAY so I guess this is some kind of alternate universe where Derek and Laura came back to Beacon Hills together a few years later than canon and set up shop in a nice normal suburban home with trash pickup and also Stiles is a garbage collector because WHY NOT it’s got good pay and great benefits and he gets to be super all up in everyone’s business :D
There’s a knock on Derek’s door at 5am on a Friday. Derek is so shocked that he rolls off his bed and lands in a crouch on the floor, snarling through his fangs.
“It’s for you, Derek,” Laura yells from her room down the hall.
“How do you know?” Derek yells back, trying to look out the window without being seen from the street below.
“Because I fucking say so,” Laura says, throwing a little bit of Alpha growl behind it. She’s usually pretty good about not abusing her authority, but Derek understands; neither one of them is even slightly a morning person.
The knocking continues, unrelenting and increasingly obnoxious, until Derek finally wrenches the door open a few minutes later.
“Oh,” he says, dumbly.
“Oh,” says the guy on his doorstep.
He’s dressed in stiff-looking work pants and a big orange vest that threatens to overwhelm his wiry frame. He’s got a tight, ribbed shirt underneath it, though, rolled up past his elbows even though the pre-dawn air is chilly. Derek feels a little winded when the guy looks at him, but he’s blaming it on the fact that he just jumped down a whole flight of stairs and the sun isn’t even up yet.
“What do you want,” Derek says, and a sleepy part of his brain kind of hopes the answer is ‘I want you to invite me in for coffee and pancakes.’
“I want you to remember to actually pull your garbage pails out to the curb one of these Fridays!” The guy pulls his lush lower lip between his teeth and sighs gustily. “But, seeing as how you’ve apparently forgotten to put on a shirt before answering your front door—”
“I was sleeping,” Derek protests. “I don’t sleep in shirts.”
The guy groans, and it sounds like it comes from the depths of his soul. “Werewolves. Not only are you all insultingly, preternaturally attractive but you insist on rubbing it in by being mostly naked all the time.”
Derek feels his eyes flash, even though he’s nearly sure he’s not being threatened. “How… who are you?”
“I’m your garbage collector,” says the guy, smirking. “My buddy Scott got bit a few years back. This town is a freakin’ magnet for weird shit, did you know that?”
“I did, actually. It’s why we moved back.”
“We—oh.” Garbage Guy slumps a little bit, “Well, tell your girlfriend or wife or whatever that trash day is Friday and Stiles is too busy and frail to keep dragging your cans down your driveway himself every week.”
“You don’t look all that frail to me,” Derek says, eyeing the guys’—Stiles’—shoulders under the vest. “And I live here with my sister. Well. In a normal way, not in a—weird way. You know. Um.”
Stiles’ eyes actually sparkle, and Derek kind of wants to put his fist through the wall. “You’re just really not a morning person, are you? It’s okay, sunshine, I’ll get out of your hair. I know I must smell pretty awful, werewolf nose and all.”
“You don’t,” Derek says, blurting it out before he can think better of it. “You smell more like a person than garbage. Like sweat and—”
“Oh my god,” Stiles says, going red. “Like that’s any better, jeez.”
“No, it is,” Derek insists. “It’s nice, it’s good. You should eat pancakes.”
“With me, I mean. Pancakes with me. To eat.”
“Oh boy, I’m definitely gonna remind you of that offer when you’re fully awake and I’m not in the middle of working.” Stiles pats him on the chest, looks briefly terrified at his own bravado, and then just winks at Derek like his rabbiting heartbeat isn’t completely betraying his nervousness. “Remember,” he says, backing slowly down the front steps and stumbling at the bottom. “Fridays.”
“Pancakes,” Derek agrees, yawning.
“Some of us are trying to sleep, you goddamn nerds,” Laura yells from an upstairs window.
I just… I feel like this needs a gif. Or ten. Maybe ten gifs. Enough to tile across my screen as a wallpaper.
I blame you both for this.
AHAHAHAHAHAHA THE EYEBROW THO
I posit that no matter how ridiculous this is, it would absolutely work on Stiles.