i’m in jail
Written in like ten minutes and unbeta’d because I am mostly asleep and that is apparently how I roll right now.
I don’t know what happened.
For several minutes, all Derek can hear over the phone is hysterical laughter. He waits until the guffaws become wheezing breaths before speaking.
DEREK YOU PRECIOUS BRAN MUFFIN ;_;
Son of a—
I didn’t know Jeff Davis cameo’d on his own show
1. MOM ARE ALL WEREWOLVES ALLERGIC TO STRAWBERRIES OR IS IT JUST ME
2. MOMMY THE BAD TREE IS BEING MEAN TO MY STUPID BABY FRIENDS PLEASE HELP ME MAKE IT STOP
3. MOMMA I HAVE BAD DREAMS SOMETIMES AND I DON’T LIKE IT BUT NO ONE IS THERE TO RUB MY FOREHEAD WHEN I WAKE UP
4. MOM WHY WASN’T I EVER THE HOT GIRL
5. MOM HIS SHOULDERS JUST KEEP GETTING BIGGER, I’M TRYING NOT TO BREAK THE LAW OF OUR BEAUTIFUL STATE BUT I HAVE MY LIMITS, OKAY
6. MOM DO YOU STILL HAVE THE RECIPE FOR THE BREAKFAST CASSEROLE YOU USED TO MAKE ON MY BIRTHDAY BECAUSE I MISS EATING IT
7. MOM YOU USED TO SAY IT WAS OKAY FOR ME TO CRY SOMETIMES BUT I THINK I MIGHT BE TAKING IT TOO FAR, WHAT DO YOU THINK
8. MOM DO YOU FORGIVE ME YET? FOR KATE? I KNOW I CHECKED WITH YOU LAST YEAR BUT I WAS HOPING. UM.
9. MOM I REALLY DON’T UNDERSTAND MY WOLF PENIS.
10. MAMA CAN YOU PLEASE TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT SENDING ME BETTER DREAMS
11. MOM HAVE YOU READ THE DRAFT OF MY NOVEL? DO YOU LIKE IT? DO YOU THINK I SHOULD ADD MORE ROBOTS?
Except that in the episode RIIIIIIGHT after that second clip, Scott was allowing the twins to beat him mercilessly because pain was going to help him access his wolf???? THE OPPOSITE OF KEEPING HIM HUMAN.
I have several invented werewolves in my brain, experienced non-psychotic alphas who might visit and be totally baffled as to why none of these wolves know ANYTHING. “You think pain makes you human AND a wolf?” Edgar Post from Poughkeepsie says, his face twisted in confusion. “No. Peppermint. Peppermint keeps you human, and allows you to control the shift. Are you all idiots? This is literally the most basic werewolf knowledge that exists. Why didn’t your parents tell you this?”
Derek looks away shiftily. “I thought they just really liked gum.”
"What about your crazy uncle?" Edgar says, exasperated.
"He did say that once, but he also told us Windex is made from wolfsbane, so we all assumed he was lying," Isaac says, not looking up from his phone.
NO GOD BLESS YOU <3
I’m still so happy something positive came of the most embarrassing experience of my life lol
Next on Blame Derek (based on tumblr)
derek’s birthday is on christmas
he’s one of those kids that always got a combined gift
or his birthday gifts were wrapped in christmas wrapping paper
instead of a birthday dinner they had christmas dinner and a cake at the end for derek
there was no special day for him
because his special day was everyone’s special day
he never had birthday parties cause kids his age were always on christmas vacation or spending time with their families
he doesn’t get to do what he wants on christmas instead his mom always forces him into a little red and green colored vest and he has to celebrate that everyone got gifts and surprises on his day
he wakes up every christmas and mutters a sober “happy birthday derek…” pause “…and jesus.”
no one remembers derek’s birthday because it gets lost in the christmas rush
this is so canon it hurts
DEREK HALE IS A CHRISTMAS BABY AND EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE